To be fully present, awake and in appreciation without fear

Its so divinely beautiful.  That's why it is so hard to let go... These moments of rest, of ease, time spent with family in peace.  What is more beautiful than being here now knowing the impermanence.  Only with death in the picture do I truly not take for granted all of this, all of you.

I'm not going to lie and say that I am not scared.  It's intense at moments, overwhelming my ability to act skillfully, and remain connected.  I've been meditating on death for the last month and a half, since I had this dream about my father.  I woke up and knew that my resistance to my father's mortality I was storing in my low back.  As I practiced morning asana I could feel the weight of resistance.  I don't want my dad to die.  With practice, drishti awareness and breath I found that I could release him in meditation, though resistance comes in waves through out daily awareness.

What seemed like emotional yoga, a hypothetical practice has taken on new light since I saw this video.  And this one.  The Karma of what we have done to our earth could off us.  Over whelmed by the sense that the nuclear threat is unprecedented, my practice has become that of releasing my wife, twin 3 year old daughters and new born son.  Whether the threat is real or not, who can say.  To my emotional body it is real, which like all intensity is an opportunity to open to teacher in all experience.

Things are changing fast.

Personally in my life, and for all of us world wide.  Two of the elders in our family are suffering from unknown genetic disease.  What is it?  Would a diagnosis in the form of a recognizable word make it easier?  It's transformation, and it's really hard.

Globally, politically, whether anything has changed or not, I am now aware of the nuclear situation.  While I personally feel empowered that I have the knowledge and will to thrive through this new unfolding realty, living in a radioactive world, I have been disappointed that we as a larger community are not dialoguing about this.

I guess the most shocking part of Fukishima, for me, was that the plant didn't have back up power.  It wouldn't even have taken a tsunami.  The electricity going out would have had the same effect.  Learning that there are over 200 nuclear power plants in the United States, with more radioactive waste then Fukishima, is overwhelming.  I see 2 possible outcomes, be they soon or in the distant future... 1. We do something about nuclear waste now, be it browns gas, zeolites, or some other solution unknown to me.  2.  When the grid inevitably does fall at some point (like Rome or the Soviet Union) those who remain will experience the effects of our nuclear waste in their food, water, rain, and air.


So.... With this knowledge, arguably true or false, but emotionally real none the less, the practice is to let go.  To be fully present, awake and in appreciation without fear.  To be receptive to the call; if there is anyway that I may serve my family and all of you.  Connected and in appreciation.  That my energy be available to focus as skillful intention.

Mainly this has been a deepened relationship with right now.  Dissolving into ThankYou.

I have hope though.

I have a strong suspicion that the answers are right in front of us, in the natural systems, in the weeds that thrive in our parking lots and yards.  This information unfolds little by little though, as greater strength, balance and wisdom.



So for now, I practice everyday, love my family with all my heart, and feel the weight of my 3 year daughter when she lays on my chest during shavasana.  There is nothing better.